Intentional Dating


Dating should be intentional. Have you ever heard of the RAM? No, not Dodge Ram Trucks or the animal, but the Relationship Attachment Model.



Dr. John Van Epp talks about it in his book, “How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk.” Basically, it is a set of five categories- Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, Touch- that should be carefully balanced so the relationship/dating attachments are the strongest. Often when people date it is simply because they are attracted to someone, but they don’t think about the deeper reasons until they have entered a relationship. This is dangerous because it leaves a lot of room to get hurt. If you use the RAM in your personal relationships, then they are more likely to become stronger and successful. There is a lot of research behind this, but even if you think about the scale logically it makes a lot of sense.

Let me explain.

The key to balance on this scale is not an even score across the board, but rather a descending arrow. You want “know” to be the highest category when dating and “touch” to the lowest. It makes a lot of sense that you would want to really know a person before you engage in physical contact, doesn’t it? We have all seen the effects of a relationship that is purely based on physical touch and attraction- it doesn’t last very long because there is nothing to sustain it when things get difficult. It is important that you get to know and build a trusting relationship before any of the other categories because it forms a foundation to build off of. You know the person you are getting involved with and can work through life in a mutual respectful manner- especially when trials come your way.

So, my advice would be to make your dating intentional- choose someone who has similarities to you and you know you can trust. Date with intention- not just physical attraction. While that is very important, so are personality and mentality. Mutual disclosure is very important. Make sure both of you are sharing your hopes, dreams, and fears. Both parties should be given the chance to express their feelings and to be listened to. This is important for that “know” foundation. Often, after talking for a long time we feel like we know someone, but make sure to take a step back and evaluate how much the other person has said. Have they gotten the chance to express themselves?

Just a few remaining dating tips:

  • ·         How do you know whether someone has asked you on a date? Remember the three P’s: Planned, Paired Off, and Paid For.
  • ·         How long should it take for me to feel like I know someone? At least 3 months…
  • ·         Remember the way you date now because it will determine how the relationship goes later. Make sure you are developing healthy habits.
  • ·         Be open with your date and don’t be afraid to tell them how you are feeling- good AND bad. Just remember to do so respectfully.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Let’s talk about...

This is a very controversial topic...why? Because today’s society is so sexually wired. It’s true- take a look at the media especially. What do they always want? What sells? Sex appeal. When it comes to actual life and the values we want our children to see and uphold- this is not the message we want to be sending. How can we teach them proper values when everything around them is telling them the opposite? Society lives by what feels good and to experiment. This lifestyle is not one that I want to encourage my children to live by because there are real life consequences for our actions. Marriage is a sacred promise to love and cherish your spouse with complete fidelity. This especially includes sexual intimacy. It is an experience that should be shared between husband and wife in a setting that brings them closer together. It is not a recreational activity that should be treated lightly outside the bounds of marriage. Children have the right to be born to complete families where ...
Read more

Talk Is Not Always Cheap

Relationships…it’s not all about the love. Arguably one of the (if not the) most necessary factors to any relationship is COMMUNICATION. This may seem fairly obvious, but it’s not as easy as you think. This post is going to be about effective communication… The FIVE secrets to effective communication include: 1) Disarming Technique 2) Empathy 3) Inquiry 4) “I Feel” statements 5) Stroking The disarming technique is a very useful skill- especially when it comes to sensitive subjects. Knowing how to soften the tension before it grows into an argument using humor, love, and respect will keep your relationship from the dangers of blind anger. It is important to learn when an argument is worth having versus when it is better to let your spouse have his/her own way of doing things. Often arguments with those we love are over the most mundane things and the words exchanged in the heat of the moment can cause a lot of damage. Learn to control the tone and nature of the tense...
Read more

A Changing Society vs Traditions

Image
We live in a shifting society.  The social culture these days is focused on "me" and the community mindset is disappearing... Today, I want to address a subject that is very controversial. People are up in arms over this subject everyday because of our feel-good influences. Media, friends, family, etc...even teachers are encouraging the lifestyle of excessive individualism.  Individualism according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary is " a doctrine that the interests of the  individual  are or ought to be ethically paramount." My question is, doctrine according to who?? If you think about the world in which we live, this frame of mind is common. It doesn't seem out of place and if you don't dig further, then this definition is perfectly acceptable. However, there is no reference as to who determined the doctrine of individualism- and especially in terms of our society, excessive individualism . With life evolving constantly, it is no wonder that our v...
Read more